


It's On Your Hands, In Your Mind

by Lunyhime95



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Mention Of Other Trolls, Sad, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2015-12-12
Packaged: 2018-04-30 07:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5155025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunyhime95/pseuds/Lunyhime95
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some Gamzee-centric things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gamzee, There's Blood On Your Hands

**Author's Note:**

> no, seriously, just some gamzee things, maybe a little art, who knows?

**Gamzee~......**

**Gamzee...**

**Hey...Gamzee...**

**Look...**

**Gamzee, there's blood on your hands.**

_Stop it._

**Wow, would you just look at all the pretty colors? Shall I recount them for you?**

_I said stop._

**Hmmm~ Let's see...Oh! Isn't this a rather STRONG blue? Didn't it belong to that masochistic friend of yours? The one you strangled, with his own bow, and the motherfucker just smiled like it was getting him off~? Remember that?**

_No... just shut the fuck up already..._

**Oh, but that was just the beginning! Even though he hid her first to keep her safe, what did his little moirail do? Gave us this nasty scratch, didn't she?**

_You deserved that, you fucker..._

**Man, the crunch of her little bones, though! Ahh, such lovely olive hues...Such a cute tiny thing, really. What a shame...**

_Shut the fuck up..._

**But it seems like some of your friends were already at each others throat. Like the Ampora boy-**

_Stop..._

**-killing off the little princess, a shame too, that we couldn't end her with our own hands-**

_Just..._

**-And such pretty colors the sea dwellers had! That deep violet and bubbly fuschia~**

_Stop that_

**It's a shame about the other one though, you know, the rainbow drinker? Her jade green would have been absolutely stunning! Think of the miracles-**

_I've had it with your false miracles..._

**Don't be like that, now...We've even got the spider-girl's cerulean drippings. And the Summoner boy...well, I wouldn't exactly say that rusty brown is attractive-**

_Shut up, motherfucker! His color was beautiful!_

**But you know what would be even more beautiful, the most truly beautiful color of miracles?**

_Just stop already!_

**Better than the zippy teal, better than honey yellow, and better than carmine rust~**

_Shut your motherfuckin' mouth..._

**That sweet, sweet, bright candy red...even better than the humans dull swill.........**

_...No..._

**Sweet as cotton candy, and redder than the fruit of sin. Do you know of whom I speak, Bard, son of rage, vassal of the messaihs, o angel of double death?**

_NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM! I WON'T LET YOU-_

**Let me what to your moirail? Touch him? Lovingly caress him as the light leaves his eyes, and his lovely mutant blood drains from each wound _WE_  carve into his skin!? He's the one who frowns a lot too, isn't he? Hey, I have an idea, Gamzee...**

_NOO! I SAID STOP!_

**Why don't we make him smile forever?**

_STOP IT! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!_

**It would be so simple, too. Just take his little sickle away from him, and he's practically defenseless-**

_I WON'T LET YOU!_

**And just ever so gently place it in the corner of his mouth-**

_STOP IT YOU FUCKER!_

**AND MOTHERFUCKING PULL AT THAT BITCH'S SKIN! GIVE 'IM THE BIGGEST DAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' GRIN FULL OF OUR MIRTHFUL MIRACLES! AIN'T THAT THE MOST MOTHERFUCKIN' BEAUTIFUL GIFT WE CAN GIVE HIS LOWBLOOD MUTANT ASS!?**

_YOU EVEN TOUCH HIM, I'LL MOTHERFUCKIN' ROT YOU THE FUCK OUTTA MY THINKPAN, MOTHERFUCKIN' TOXINS BE DAMNED!_

**AWWW, WELL WOULDJA JUST LOOKIT THAT?! YOU ACTUALLY CARE. IS THAT HOW PALE YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' AFFECTIONS RUN?! BUT THE MUTANT BLOOD IS NOTHING TO US! HE IS OF THE LOWEST SCUM OF OUR KIND, SHOULD BE ALL KINDS OF MOTHERFUCKIN' THANKFUL THAT HIS BLOOD IS PRETTY ENOUGH TO INSCRIBE OUR MIRACLES!**

_I'M GOIN' MOTHERFUCKIN' KILL YOU!_

**AIN'T HE ALSO KINDA SMALL LOOKIN'? ALL MOTHERFUCKIN' SHORT 'N EVERYTHIN'?! GETS YOUR WONDER ON IF HE'D MAKE A NICE, TIGHT LITTLE SLURRY WHORE!**

_YOU ARE MOTHERFUCKIN' SICK! I WON'T LET YOU LAY A DAMN MOTHERFUCKING FINGER ON HIM!_

**Hm...We'll see about that, fairly soon as a matter o'fact, my SELF AND SAME brother.**

**By the way, Gamzee...**

**There's blood on your hands...**

 


	2. Drown Clown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's like you've fallen into biting, cold water, sinking farther and farther down, all up and trying to kick your damned hardest back up, but you ain't getting any closer to the motherfuckin' surface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay~ anybody else in line for the feels coaster?  
> .......  
> .....is it just me?  
> okay....that's fine.....

It's like you've fallen into biting, cold water, sinking farther and farther down, all up and trying to kick your damned hardest back up, but you ain't getting any closer to the motherfuckin' surface.

 

You were up there once, sitting on the dock of your sopor-sickened thinkpan and staring into the deep where the voices usually come from. Just sitting up there, wondering how you were gonna up and make more pie, of course it never was for the taste, it was always for the sheer mirthful bliss that stopped up all those voices from bouncing around in your high as fuck thinkpan.

 

You even wonder if your lusus might come out of those silent waves, already knowing the answer.

 

And then, just like that, as the voices kept getting louder and louder, some motherfucker comes right up behind you and pushes you off the dock.

 

Only, it was actually yourself.

 

Except...it also wasn't.

 

This false you is covered in colors, with three long scars going down his face, but he doesn't stop there, he now hangs off the dock, icy hands, as fuckin' cold as the water, around your neck, holding you down, and you can just barely muster the strength to keep your airhole out of the swallowing waves.

 

He smiles something dark and sinister with your face and it makes you almost terrified to think that this is how others might see you.

 

While you can't do nothing but thrash like a wriggler, the water starts swirling with colors...

 

First to blue, then green, and you shamefully admit that you probably would have liked to watch the colors mix around in the water like a miracle, had you not been trying to get out.

 

You see Kanaya for a moment, and how could you not? The sun-sister be glowing brighter than the flitter-lights that used to come out at night by your hive. She tries to help you, but then she ups and disappears, and the false you tightens his long, cold fingers, _your_ fingers on your airtube even more.

 

As you flail, you start seeing things that you know shouldn't up and be here, like the long-limbed doll that's got itself all motherfuckin' wrapped around this false fucker's self.

 

You struggle, and struggle, and _struggle_...all up until you finally get a miracle in your sight-holes.

 

It's Karkat, your palemate, your diamondbro, your loudest motherfuckin' miraculous invertabrother. Karkat who pities you despite your juggalo self. Karkat who's all up and getting his righteous beat-up down on this fake motherfucker. Karkat who is pulling you up on out that cold-ass water, colder than your cuttlesister.

 

Karkat who has you all wrapped up in his hot, hot, sun-hot arms now, papping your face, back, and chest, shooshing you until you can't feel the horrorterrors anymore, planting the palest kisses across your throat, your ear, your cheek, giving your cold-blooded hands warm squeezes with his hot-blooded ones.

 

And he makes you feel like everything is gonna up and be alright now, despite the feeling you have that nothing is okay, and that everything is wrong, and that you've done something _motherfuckin' downright bad_.

 

But he tells you it's okay, so you believe him.

.

.

.

As soon as Karkat is gone, the fake motherfucker takes advantage and pulls you back down under the waves. This time, you can't keep yourself above, and the deeper you go, the less you can see, 'til all you got up in your sight is that ugly motherfuckin' doll.

 

...You really want Karkat to come back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (*ugly sobbing noises*) m-my poor clown bab-by...


	3. And Sometimes, The Floor Starts To Move All On It's Own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this might just end up being a bunch of things from murderstuck up til more recent chapters, and then my unresolved emotions about this pairing, because reasons.

It's been......

 

How long...? How long since you finally flipped all the motherfucking tables?

 

It couldn't have been that long, could it? You ain't got a fuck of a clue, time is all as messed up to you, and you ain't your Arasis or the Strider human.

 

It's even harder to get a figure on to that, especially when you layin' here, freshly piled, purring til your voice box sputters, fixin' right on to snuggle up to your little palebro, gonna wrap him up in long lanky limbs and keep his burning self pressed right up against your cold, cold pusher.

 

What really bothers you is the times you just black out, nothing like how you used to zone, but everything just goes dark, even your pan that's been all kinds of noisy lately. It's like there's nothing, and then all of a sudden your ganders work again but you're all up and bein' somewhere way out to where you ain't got no kind of remembrance of.

 

But sometimes......

....and this is the real unfunny part....

Sometimes....

 

........You'll wake up, not where you remember being, as usual, but then you look around, and it turns out you'd gone into the block of your ~~former~~ friends while they got their sleep on.

 

The first time, you'd come to in Terezi's block. Of course, this startled you a bit, 'cause why would you be in this sister's block? You ain't got any kind of pitch need at the moment, so you scoot right out and quick, leave no kind of trace when you do........

....Okay, maybe you might have pinched her face nub some, but you went out right after that.

 

The next time, it's the Rose human. 

Now, as much as you got a preference to her than Strider, you bust the abscondin' fuck outta there because you can smell your sunny sister all over the place and you are pretty motherfucking damn sure she still rightfully on your case, don't even stop to rest and just keep right the fuck on moving 'cause you ain't like to be sawed up in two right now.

 

Karkat gets a turn now, your bro all curled up and sound asleep on either the rest platform or the pile that he'd meticulously put together of horns, cushions, and snuggle planes. He'll be shaking or shivering in his sleep sometimes, so you'll crouch right up to him and pap his soft little face as light as you'll manage. Right squeezes your pusher with all kinds of elations when he turns towards you and nuzzles into your palm, like he's knowing that you're there without seeing, your beautiful little brother. You leave him with a press of lip and a heavy kind of reluctance, don't like being away from him too much, but don't like to be a bother to him either.

 

It happens that Strider is not excluded from these visits, and oh, sweet messiahs, do you fucking want to strangle him. If you weren't all squared up with your Teresis in pitch, you might possibly be having a reason to torment this human.

But you are, and you ain't no motherfucker for infidelity, so you keep your hands off and just.....glare at his stone-like face, got no kind of expression like he a statue, this stupid motherfucker and his stupid shades, with his stupid..... _motherfucking stupidness_......and that stupid backhand flirting he does at your best bro.........

................

You leave before you get the urge to reach up in his human pan through you chucklevoodoos, those being a thing you got now. You consider nudging at his dreams just a bit, but you shut the door before your horns can even tingle.

 

You never catch Kanaya while she sleeps, mostly because she just _doesn't_ , unless she needs to be in the bubbles. And because you really ain't all that stupid, you actually would prefer to stay in one piece, thank fuck your subconscious don't put you near her while you in that kind of state.

.

.

.

.

This cycle seems to repeat, though mostly now you'll come to yourself in Karkat's block. You actually prefer this, as Karkat will most definitely put you right down where you need to be if you were doing anything.......well, anything that you shouldn't be doin'. You trust Karkat, know that his judgement will do as best he knows.

You pity him so much.

~~_You love Karkat._ ~~

This will be another time that you've woken in his block, and that is such a relief because the pieces of time that you been missing keeps getting bigger and bigger, though you gotten a bit better at handling them, been able to listen in, sometimes maybe even speak for yourself instead of blindly opening your mouth without knowing what's coming out of it.

You shuffle over to him, on the sleep platform this time, crawl behind him and pull his hot little body into your chest.

".....Hey, little brother....," you whisper to his ear with a kiss, don't realize that your hands clutch at him desperately all on their own.

 He turns, blinks at you with sleepy eyes, sweet precious thing he is.

"...Gamzee....where've you been....you dummy......quit being so cold," He pulls your arms into the warmth of his chest regardless. You give him a weak chuckle,"Heh, I'd like to know that myself, bro. Can't seem to keep myself lately." Karkat knows you zone out sometimes, knows that you're up in your head with all the terrible voices that want things of you, and you really are trying to ignore them. He doesn't know that you black out and lose pieces of your own mind, your time and your body to them. You probably should tell him, but it'll make him worry, and your poor brother worries about enough as it is.

You let yourself fall into sleep. Maybe you'll pass through a bubble for you and him to mess around in.

.

.

.

.

You come back to yourself, but the whole of you _screams_ in pain, inside and out. You don't understand why. 

Terezi is on an entirely different level than you last remember, her hate quiet and sharp, and she's always sharp, but this is _piercing_. " _How could you?_ " You don't know, you really don't. You make your visit quick and head off to your bro's, you miss him, it feels like you've been gone for so long.

 

His room is all dark, not even the light of his husktop is on. You walk in quiet as you can, and you can easily see him right there, all curled up and shaking, he's moved the pile to the corner of the room, where it's even darker; it's strange, with you knowing that he cannot _stand_ absolute darkness. You shuffle towards him, reach to rub at his back--

he _flinches and slaps_ your hand away. His voice snaps with a harsh he's never made at you before.

**_"Don't touch me."_ **

He doesn't even look at you.

"......Brother--"

"Don't, Gamzee."

It hurts, how he's denying you when you can see how he shakes with his dry sobs, and you just want to hold him like always, have him tell you what's wrong, why is he crying, who made him cry, who hurt your darling pale, your sweet beloved, you will _rend_ them til not even the shreddings remain.

"Karkat--"

"You already said it, didn't you? You didn't want this anymore, right!?"

What?

He finally turns to see you, his face is tear-stained and his tired eyes are puffy from crying, his mouth twisted in a snarl.

" _JUST GET OUT, GAMZEE!! YOU ALREADY BROKE IT OFF, HOW MUCH MORE ARE YOU GOING TO RUB IT IN!!?_ "

No, no....

Karkat's mouth slackens, gone is the grimace but now he's just sad and tired, looks defeated and done. He turns back and lays down, his blaze snuffed out from himself.

"Just...just get the fuck out.....I.....I don't want to see your face anymore."

 

When you are outside his block, you can click it together

_It was you who hurt your best beloved._

Before you can rip your gut out everything is pitch black again; you don't even fight it.

.

.

.

.

The next time you see him, you have Terezi's blood on your face and her blades in your hand. Impaled on the ends is your diamond love. His face an open mixture, anger, hurt, betrayal, anguish, sorrow, despair, and surprisingly _worry_. You'd like to think it was meant for you, but more than likely it's for your poor teal sister. Karkat doesn't _pity_ you, doesn't _love_ you anymore, you already ruined that.

You can't move the way you want, your body won't listen as you scream inside of it and Karkat falls down to the magma, it burns away his flesh and swallows his bones and why, why, _why didn't you grab him!?_

 

You welcome Kanaya and her chainsaw with a smile.

 

It's okay, you'll die and become a ghost, although a very gruesome looking one, and then you can search all over the bubbles for your Karkat, tell him what you should've from the beginning, let him know that you will always ~~_love_~~ pity him and you would never have done any of what you did.

.

.

.

.

It doesn't happen.

**Author's Note:**

> welp, there's that....
> 
> who else is having chest pains?


End file.
